“Sometimes, I get these silly things in my head, like this ‘eternal rotation.’ We live, we have our ups and downs. We hope. We wait for something. We hope, we lose hope, we move closer to death. Finally, we die and are born again. But we remember nothing, and everything begins again, from scratch. Not literally the same way, just a little bit different. But it’s still so hopeless, and we don’t know why. Yes. No, I mean, it’s quite the same, literally the same. Just the next performance, so to speak. If I’d made it all, I guess I’d have done things the same way. Funny, eh?”
-from “The Sacrifice,” directed by Andre Tarkovski (Sweden)
I have no regrets. There. I’ve said it. Let the judgements come. I am unafraid. I have been to hell and back over the past year, and I am only now beginning to admit to myself that the changes I’ve made, to be at peace with myself, including letting go of people that I loved, was the right thing for me. I am not ashamed of this. I have decided that I am FINISHED with self-loathing. Finding the path to joy and balance is a worthy goal, and is something that I refuse to ever be ashamed of. I have learned that it is so easy to begin to live a life that is not your own, and not even notice it, to such an extent that it begins to corrode who you are. Especially as a woman. We are still taught to be passive, even if we achieve great professional successes, our personal lives can remain undeveloped or, for all intensive purposes, enslaved to ideals, or worse, yet, to someone else entirely. This base of guilt, of fear of being independent has structured my life for more years than I care to admit. But now, I have CONSCIOUSLY decided to let JOY into my life, and create and environment for myself that puts a smile on my face every day. We are constantly “waiting” or “searching for” joy in our lives, but I now believe that we can take that joy NOW. There is no excuse not to do it. If it does not exist in your life, create the appropriate circumstances so that it does. As I have learned, however, there is much fear in doing this. Fear has ruled my life for a long time, but I also know that making what some may consider “drastic” decisions can also save a life and dissipate that fear. We are not truly living until we encounter our fears. Otherwise, I believe we are just on autopilot. We must shock ourselves into consciousness, because “life” will not do that for us.
I am on a journey. It has no destination. I am DONE over-anticipating my life. I am conscious of my goals, my loves, and am learning to be conscious of myself. This is enough. This is all there is. In my first post, I said that I didn’t know what this blog was going to be about. That isn’t true. My humble goal is that I can, perhaps connect with someone through these texts. Maybe no one will read this at all. It doesn’t matter, because this is an exercise for me as well.